The Dorkiest Dork Who Ever Dorked: Chapter 1 Part 1

For reasons nobody knows, Ethan sings songs about chickens and babies. Take any tune, and Ethan will put chickens and babies in it. For instance, if it’s someone’s birthday, Ethan sings:

Happy chickens to you.
Happy chickens to you.
Happy chickens dear babies.
Happy chickens to you.

He sings this whether there are chickens or babies around anywhere. It’s what he does. When asked why her son sings about chickens and babies all the time, Ethan’s mom said, “Well, I don’t know. He just always has.”

So, there it is. Ethan likes chickens and babies. It doesn’t matter why, what matters is that he likes chickens and babies.

Ethan likes to sing and make noise. There are very few minutes during the day when Ethan is not making noise of some sort. Making rhyming songs is what Ethan does when he doesn’t have anything to say. And yes, chickens and babies always show up in those songs.

“Babies say I‘m awesome and I agree, cuz I am.” Ethan sang on the couch one summer morning. “Chickens would say I’m awesome too, but they can’t talk / but they walk / and go ‘balk’ / and stalk / little chicken chalk.” No, I don’t know what “little chicken chalk” is either, but it rhymes.

Ethan’s sisters were playing on their iPads, trying their best to ignore Ethan and his songs. Ethan is a smart kid. He knows when people are trying to ignore him. Trying to ignore someone is different than ignoring someone. Ignoring someone means you don’t notice they are there. Trying to ignore someone means you know very well they are there, you’re just pretending you don’t know they are. Ethan’s sisters rarely ever ignored Ethan. They always knew he was there.

“It’s time to go / to the show / with a chicken and a cross bow. Let’s hit the road / with a toad / and a baby with a load / in his diaper.”

They couldn’t help it. Ethan’s sisters hate when they have to laugh at one of Ethan’s songs. “Don’t encourage him” their mom always said. But sometimes, despite your best efforts, you laugh, even if the rest of your mind and body tell you not to. Ethan knows he can always get a laugh when he brings up babies and their diapers. What’s not funny about a baby’s loaded diaper?

“Oh Ethan, would you be quiet!” said Mia.

“Yeah, seriously,” said Abigail, Ethan’s oldest sister. “Your songs don’t even make sense.”

“They make sense if you’re a chicken.” said Ethan.

“You’re such a dork,” said Mia as she got up and went to her room. Abigail just rolled over and put her ear buds in. Rejection usually makes people stop doing the rejected behavior. Not so with Ethan. Rejection only made him try harder.

“Oh, oh no / a chicken ate my toe / and I / don’t know / what to do about it,” Ethan went to his old standard song. Since Abigail’s ear buds were in, Ethan merely sang louder. He also included some drumming on her back with his hands. Ethan knew how to stay un-ignored.

“Ethan! Stop hitting me! You are so annoying.”

“I’m annoying / cuz I’m boying / and babies are toying / and chickens are ploying.” Ethan sang at the top of his lungs.

“Uh! You are such a dork!” Abigail stomped out of the room in the way generations of teenage girls have stomped out of rooms. It was loud. It was filled with attitude. And it was effective. Ethan was left alone on the couch on a summer morning.


Previous posts:

Introducing The Dorkiest Dork Who Ever Dorked

Chapter 1 Part 1
Chapter 1 Part 2

If you would like to get new parts of the story as it publishes, please put your email in the box to the right and “Subscribe” to the blog.
Thank you for reading.
Jeff Weddle


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